i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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