This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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