I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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