i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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