I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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