I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
