Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
