I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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