pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
