apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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