If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
