I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
