Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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