I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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