Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
