Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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