just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
