She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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