Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
How's work?
Spinning.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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