rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
