dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize