As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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