I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
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