glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
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