i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
