Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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