I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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