Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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