I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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