Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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