I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize