im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
