she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize