Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
