I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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