I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
