just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
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