you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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