got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
