That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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