My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
