Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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