Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
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