ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
