Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
