Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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