i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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