I met the friendliest cop last night
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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