It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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