I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
