i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
