Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
