i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
