I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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