he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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