Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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