Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
