There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
