My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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