and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
