My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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